Navigating Simchas and Community Events When You're Struggling With Fertility
For so much of Jewish life, joy is communal. We gather for brisos, for sholom zachors, for upsherins and bar mitzvahs. Our calendars fill with the celebrations of others, and these moments are meant to be sources of connection and blessing. Yet for those walking the path of infertility, the very events designed to bring us together can become some of the most painful spaces to enter.
If you have ever stood at the edge of a simcha hall and felt your heart constrict, if you have agonized over whether to attend a baby naming, if you have smiled through a Kiddush while quietly aching inside — please know that you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. These feelings are a natural human response to a deep and unmet longing. They do not make you a bad friend, a bitter person, or someone lacking in faith.
At PUAH, we have walked alongside thousands of individuals and couples through this exact terrain. We understand that the social landscape of Orthodox life — beautiful as it is — can intensify the experience of fertility challenges. This article offers gentle, practical guidance for protecting your heart while staying connected to the community you love.
Why Simchas Can Be So Difficult
It helps to name what is actually happening. The pain you feel at these events is not irrational or excessive. Several real emotional dynamics are at work.
The Concentration of Reminders
A simcha celebrating a birth or a child's milestone places the very thing you long for at the literal center of the room. There is no looking away. The cause for joy is, for you, also the source of grief — and holding both at once is genuinely exhausting.
The "Public" Nature of Family Life
In close-knit communities, family building is visible and often discussed. Well-meaning questions — "Any good news?" or "When will it be your turn?" — can land like small blows, even when no harm is intended. The constant, ambient awareness that others are tracking your family status adds a layer of pressure that is hard to escape.
Grief That Has No Clear Shape
Infertility involves a kind of grief that the world does not always recognize. There is no funeral, no shiva, no formal acknowledgment of the loss. Yet you may be mourning the child you imagined, the timeline you expected, the ease you assumed would be yours. Psychologists call this disenfranchised grief — real loss that goes unwitnessed. Simchas can suddenly bring this hidden grief to the surface.
Giving Yourself Permission
One of the most important things we can offer you is permission — permission to feel what you feel and to make choices that protect your wellbeing.
- You are allowed to grieve at a joyful event. Two emotions can be true at once. You can be genuinely happy for a friend and genuinely heartbroken for yourself in the same moment.
- You are allowed to decline an invitation. Choosing not to attend a particular simcha is not a moral failure. Sometimes self-protection is the wisest and kindest choice you can make — for yourself and even for the host, whose day you can celebrate from a distance.
- You are allowed to leave early. You do not owe anyone an explanation for stepping out when you need to.
- You are allowed to set limits on conversation. You can gently redirect intrusive questions without guilt.
Practical Strategies for Getting Through
Decide in Advance
Uncertainty drains energy. Before an event, decide with intention whether you will attend, how long you will stay, and what your exit plan is. Knowing you have an "out" often makes it possible to stay longer than you expected.
Prepare a Few Gentle Responses
Having a phrase ready takes the sting out of difficult questions. Something simple works well: "We appreciate your good wishes," or "That's between us and Hashem right now, but thank you for thinking of us." A calm, prepared answer keeps you in control of how much you share.
Bring an Ally
If your spouse is attending with you, agree on a signal that means "I need to step outside." If you're going alone, consider asking a trusted friend to check in on you partway through. Knowing one person understands can change the entire experience.
Honor Your Body's Signals
If you notice your chest tightening or tears rising, give yourself a quiet moment — step into a hallway, find a restroom, take a few slow breaths. These are not signs of weakness. They are your body asking for care, and responding kindly to that request is an act of strength.
Plan Something Gentle Afterward
Whatever the event takes out of you, give yourself something restorative to return to — a quiet evening, a phone call with someone safe, a walk. You deserve recovery time.
For Couples: Facing These Events Together
Spouses often experience the same simcha very differently. One may want to attend; the other may dread it. One may process pain through conversation; the other through silence. None of these responses is wrong.
The goal is not to feel identically, but to feel understood. Talk before the event about what each of you needs. Agree that either partner can call for an early exit without resentment. Protect each other's right to grieve in your own way, and treat one another with extra tenderness on these days.
A Word on Faith and Feeling
Some who struggle quietly fear that their pain at a simcha reflects a failure of emunah, or that envy makes them unworthy. We want to gently set this fear aside. Our greatest figures cried out in their longing. Chana wept bitterly in the Mishkan; her anguished, wordless prayer became a model for all of Jewish prayer. Pain and faith are not opposites. You can hold deep trust in Hashem and still ache profoundly. The longing itself is a form of prayer.
Halachic Perspective
Questions sometimes arise about obligations surrounding simchas — whether one is required to attend a particular celebration, how to balance the mitzvah of being m'sameach others against genuine emotional hardship, or how to handle communal expectations during a difficult time. These are real and valid questions, and Jewish law has room for compassion and personal circumstance.
Specific questions should be discussed with a qualified rabbinic authority. Our team at PUAH is available to help you navigate these questions.
When to Speak With a Professional
The pain of these moments is normal. But sometimes it grows into something heavier that benefits from support. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional if you notice that:
- You are withdrawing from community life entirely and feeling increasingly isolated
- Sadness lingers for days after an event and interferes with daily functioning
- You feel persistent hopelessness, numbness, or a loss of interest in things you once enjoyed
- Tension around these events is causing significant strain in your marriage
Seeking help is a sign of self-respect, not weakness. PUAH's team of doctors, rabbis, and counselors specializes in exactly these situations, and we can help connect you with compassionate professionals who understand both the emotional and the communal dimensions of what you're facing. Reach out to PUAH — you do not have to carry this alone.
Summary
Simchas can be among the hardest spaces to enter when you're struggling with fertility, and the pain you feel there is valid, normal, and worthy of compassion. You are allowed to set limits, protect your heart, and grieve and celebrate at the same time. With preparation, gentleness toward yourself, and support from those who understand, you can navigate these moments while staying connected to the community you love.
Disclaimer: This article provides general educational information. Personal halachic questions should be discussed with a qualified rabbinic authority, and emotional or medical concerns should be addressed with a qualified professional.